hey xuanning lol... evil leh u.
but i dun intend to delete it cos i lazy
and no body will trust tt i love you anyway. XP



first, im not an emo person
the word emo totally spoil that pic.
skip this long post jus throwing all my unhappiness in blogger.
nothing nice to read about x.x
sorry for giving you(leon) such a bad reply.
like what kelly says .. it seems like me pushing responsibility.
take it as i am. sorry.
but do i have a responsibility?
i dont knw my responsibility
initially , i tot i dun mind becos mayb she is more capable den me.
(since primary sch she alr join band leh
me leh?
sec2 den join band. what i have to compete with ppl?)
then , i realise i dun wanna rot thr.
i push myself to make myself improve.
but its nothing anyway..
thought that showing an improvement meant alot.
but also bo kena acknowledge.
yar .. part of it being acknowledge and given a status.
but thats not i want ..
i thought i can do alot more than wad i did now.
i dunno wad is my responsibility now.
she is always being the first to knw everything.
always had a job to be done.
aft losing someone that is able to guide me(kelly) and being the one to face the problems..
i thought about what my family and relative told me.
why commit so much?
gonna step down soon anyway..
even if ur sch band did well is nt like ur future job will look into that.
is not like ppl will see ..
am i not supposed to have a chance? or the chance is not meant to be mine?
in band , it may be seems like the section is very bonded.
but its actually not.
i dun love my section at all.
i pretended to think that its enjoyable being with them.
having dinner in the canteen laughing talking the most among the number of sections.
is that really called bonding when we were not able to get a share to commit for the section?
i mean having individual practice one-to-one.
why cant you just ask if we wanna join in?
its like an act of selfish-ness.
at first when both was chosen i thought i dun mind
conductor love her more than me i dun mind
you always the one being praise i dun mind
things were inform to her then she tell me i dun mind!
but time aft time i keep telling myself i dun mind im jus making myself more unhappy.
mayb im not as capable as u .
mayb im not as charismatic as you.
but i will not and will never do things like this to make other ppl feel not needed & nt belonged.
you made me dunno how to be called sl of horn.
i dunno how am i suppose to walk towards the conductor being stated as sl of horn.
i have done nothing to worth being called that la.
how am i suppose to make myself take credits that dun belong to me.
i cant pull myself together to do that.

some ppl may look cheerful on the outside but still vulnerable in the inside.
all of us has problems.
be it family or life its inevitable.
we still have to face problems like this as the world is never fair.
i hope i can be more cheerful also.
aiya told me that i dun joke as much as before.
i also dun wanna be like this ..
but i cant change to be like before.
too many things happen and i cant release these unhappiness within me
it's like stuck to me for a lifetime.

i dun wanna go home.
i felt unhappy at home.. i dun feel love and care.
staying at home only make my hatred for my family deeper.
heard that my dad went overseas for meeting its rather suspicious
i wanted to trust him but i really cant.
why?
i found too many things that im not supposed to knw.
and its been so long and this is the fking first time he tells this family that he had an CHINA meeting.
k i tried to believe but it so coincident that i had to call my sister about the family christmas.
and jus nice my sister bring me into the point whr i can ask her bout my father
since they are working in the same company.
i told her that my father is going to have a meeting overseas.
she say thay got meh? she only recieve a msg that my father took annual leave .
WHAT THE FUCK LARH
why let me face the truth la!
and i act lik not a big deal. telling her that really meh?
and she say mayb its not stated clearly.
and bloody hell why would my father need to use his annual leave for meetings
it's quite obvious that it is something fishy le lor.
plus a girl claiming to be his mistress.
proving that she knws every single thing
goddamnit i let it go cos i dun wanna bother.
fake it thru by saying u knw who she is she's drunk.
only dumb ppl will believe you okay?!
i think im last time de young serena who dunno things ar?
hello im 15 going on 16 more or less im able to judge things.
coming home when it's almost morning .
if not come home early and in the middle of early morning
when sky is still dark gone.
how many lies have you used to cover up ?
indeed i trust u wrongly i love you more than mum. it's wrong
time i shud reflect on what you've done to make me love you
do you even worth being love for hurting mum that love you so deeply?
maybe im wrong in saying bout what the conclusion is for you behaviour
but by putting what ive knw tgt more or less the ans is there.
i hate her for smoking acting like i dun give a damn to her.
but she's still my mum. i dun truly hate her at all.
i hate her show her my anger at least becos i knw im worried
wad are the harms of smoking that will make mum suffered
what bout u?
you say you cared for this family.
if you really care show it! not with you fucking money.

sorry for bursting out so many unhappy things
but i think the best way to release my unhappiness is thru blog.

i love xuanning alot. :D


i know you're going to remove this post as soon as you saw it.blame yourself for not remembering to log off(((":

woo blogged againbet you guys miss me like kellyyantHing xuanning XP
ya good frens ofcos bbg.
gonna go out withbbg on tuesday dunno whether am i able to made it.
as i promise my cousins that i will pei them watch princess and the frog
looking forward to the gift exchange on 26 dec but i dunno i can make it anot
family got some problems here
look forward to yantHing and kelly's gift .XP confirm nice.
i haven do kelly's schedule book D: got no idea sia plus my art nt good at all
down with my amath tuition every monday. hopei can do better for the amath test.
den i realise amath is not that difficult after all. mayb cos i still relearning my sec3 stuff.
cant cope with my combine humans . lit is okay. friday was heart breaking. but lucky its over.
a slacky holiday. go shop etcetc. bought many new thing.
however still some problems between my own family. but didnt want to care.
super lazy to read to kill a mocking bird! plus it's out of stock.
anyway i advanced tgt with tiffany.k and wanling too :D
kelly is evil... XP cos she call me play maple bootes lol but i oso evil
say tmrtmrtmr until nv play..
but she more evil sms me callme watch okto say got my fav show.
who knws? it's barney. damn evil.
i dont love band like i use to anymore.
it became a place for me to spend my time quickly. listening to the show produce by the horn & band.
xD yantHing is making my valentine gift lol
BTR DUN MAKE CARTOON CARTOON i that time joking with kelly only.
but still kelly haven tell me wad princess she like. x=
section outing overall. i think its unsuccessful.
lol cos aftermovie we dunno wad to do. hope the christmas will be a btr one.

at times , i dont knw whether i have a real fren with me.
mayb there is like kelly? who is lways thr fr me
whos the only one tt help me most when im struggling
who approach me when i need help.
thanks. oh ya. and of cos yanthing :D
but this year , i doubt im able to merge in the group of ppl.
well , my frens.
i tried . i thought im happier tt way. but i doubt they include me as one of them.
nvm.
went to sch waiting for my results together with wanling and tiffany kwek.
those few days studying with them were real great. i guest tts the only time
tt i will really communicate well with both of them.
really worried bout them because they have to re-do their maths
felt sorry cos i didnt get the chance to help them .. they were planning to do it today..
all the sec3s did not get their report books back due to our english assignments
none of us could find it yet the teacher kept insisting tt she put it in the lms
yea she did and its stated 3NT . =.= not bad.
how would we knw that it is in 3NT? me tiff and wanling was of cos furious
they were more furious than me of cos
they did their best fr the homework yet the teacher says tt they did nt put in the effort
unfair.
watch wild child was a not bad show. its showing hw a girl change herself.
so my english essay that is suppose to be handed in by 3 tmr will be about how a girl changes herself.
i was wondering whether i advanced , or retained.
there is another year to survive in that class if i were to advance..
i hope i can :S
what's wrong with me this few days. D:
i really dont know.
just that im afraid of something which i didnt knw wad was it.
well forget it.
i bonded with my section as well as the band i think
the juniors were not tt bad after all esp darren lol.
we watched spirited away it was nice .. the scenes kept repeating in my head.
is there really world like that? if there is , it would be great. i think its fun.
yvonne was a real nice partner tho we suan each other at times x=.

if feelings dont exist , it would be good.

those time with my old friends were missed.
i realise , i wasnt as cheerful as before alr..
i wish im like before..

just finish my report for physic and thought that i could slack awhile
budden i realise that i have no time to slack anymore D:
it's gonna be my exam on tuesday which is like less than a week
i wonder how can i finish the freaking loads of holiday assignments
that are killing me. didnt get the chance to watch the tv's for hours lik i use to .
on my computer 24/7 D: i believe that everyone miss me onlining
like charmaine x=
having a hard time figuring out what causes brain tumor and freaking hell
doctor cant exactly figure it out. check several webs and they say the same thing.
i doubt it microwave anyway.. however there's still a possibility.
physics is killing me anyway.
i went out tgt with kelly and chingyi for my chem and emath.
chem is rather irritating x=
i still prefer emath.. but chem seems easy for kelly and chingyi D:
unfair!
i wonder whether i will get promoted.
but i have to hand in all assignments before 17nov T_T
i doubt i am able to finish those homework.
17 nov is also band camp D: i kind of dun look forward to it actually.
because there is an ensemble competition. and i think that it's rather unfair
for this competition to even occur.
everything is like strssing me up. it's rather depressing.
i felt stressful now DD: i dun love band like i use to.
i hope there is more challenges than to bias-ness.

i start to love horn agn after kelly played horn tgt .
i seriously miss kelly after she step down.
i totally have no mood going to band anymore.
DDD: i want my band life in 2008.
2009 is a rather stressful year for me.
i have planned to cont french horn after i graduate from my sec sch.
and aft my o's i will earn the money to spon myself my a private tutor for horn.
and i also wanna learn piano if possible. but i hope my parents will spon for my piano fee.
however still thinking whether am i am to do so.
because it is like.. making a huge sarcrifice . what if i cant cope with my studies.

during the december holiday, i hope my dad would get me an amath 1-1 tuition cher.
i need to buck up my amath to get a gd result for the test in jan 2010.
amath , totally kill me.

feel like dropping to na. but thinking of things like having to be in band one more yr,
not able to work early so that i will have the money to spon for my own things
make me dun feel lik dropping to na alr D:

freaking advance . i only fail my emath but one mark . making me have to
study for the exam. i damn bu shuang.
somemore if let me retest emath nvm . but is 4 sub. one day 4 paper somemore
basically , the sch wants me to die.
finally, headstrt comes to an end. i have more time to prepare myself.
but looking at the holidays assignments that was givn , i doubt i can do revision on my own.

all the best t myself for 17 nov(exam) 18 nov(exam) and 19nov emsembles D:

-Sigh-
one more day to my death.
ptm is tmr..
i wonder am i gonna advance or drop na
most probably shud be drop one larh
having fever right nw..
heads hurting me D:
i hope i can stop having a fever its fucking irritating
i hate being sick!
its so boring at home! i cant stand it.
so pissed with my fever..

hi peeps.
not in gd mood tis few days.
but my eng results did make me happy
but nt tt happy cos my frens
didnt share the happiness with me
no point happying myself when i fren arent.
i pass my lit too.
the rest all can go die.
i study so hard fr phy so fuck hard la.
in the end? still fail? deduct marks on stupid thing
must as well mai study sua?
i only pass my eng compre up till nw .. i fraid of compo
i hope i did as well.
im left with emath..
i doubt i will pass
i can forget about promoting alr..
haiss actually i didnt tot of promoting
i want to retain i wanna relearn all the things i have neglected
i slacked so much..
its time fr me to study alr.

thank you jas :)
thanks fr all the encouragement u gave me
nt giving up on me.
helping me to coop with my eng .